Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Time for a change
Yeah, "From Usa to Canada"...this is my blog, this is my purpose. I've updated the name of the blog and the image accordingly. I'm committed to make it, and this is just a small step.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Pride and Prejudice, maybe...
For the past few weeks it's been harder to fall asleep. I try to go to bed around 11pm or midnight, I got to watch 1-2 movies on the laptop to get tired enough to even try to fall asleep.
I got headaches since last month, Aspirin usually takes care of the problem.
Last night I watched Pride and Prejudice, even though I never read the book it was a good drama/romantic tale. The movie delivered it well I think, perhaps I will read the book when I'm in Canada.
Some online friends are worried, but their support means a lot to me. Halloween is tomorrow and I'm eager to see my niece and nephew in their costumes one last time.
At least tomorrow, there will be candy, got to see the good side of things.
I got headaches since last month, Aspirin usually takes care of the problem.
Last night I watched Pride and Prejudice, even though I never read the book it was a good drama/romantic tale. The movie delivered it well I think, perhaps I will read the book when I'm in Canada.
Some online friends are worried, but their support means a lot to me. Halloween is tomorrow and I'm eager to see my niece and nephew in their costumes one last time.
At least tomorrow, there will be candy, got to see the good side of things.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Ready for takeoff, and more about me
Well, I got everything in place for my trip. I've been ripping the rest of my music CD into mp3's which I will carry on my laptop.
What still worries me, is the fact that I will be alone. No fear of death yet scared of being alone...doesn't make sense to me really. It is what it is, I guess.
Nina is slowly changing back to her old self, screaming, blaming and being...well, herself. I was hoping she would change for the good of the family, no such luck.
The fucked up thing about my 'exit' is that the only time I will be able to take off is when they take my nephew to his therapist. He will come home to see his uncle gone, and that hurts.
Well, enough of that...time to pick up where I left off about myself...
I was working as a helper making deliveries in Manhattan with a crazy white guy while having my weekend parties at home.
However the parties got boring, the same females would show up and things started to get too wild, but I kept going 'cause my friends didn't want the fun to stop.
I needed a good excuse to stop it without losing face. The funny part is that a fat cop bailed me out of the situation by coming one afternoon to my building as I was hanging with some friends in front...telling me he was watching me and that he would throw me in jail at the first chance he got. I didn't even know him, but then I got the idea...why don't I tell my friends I had screwed this cop's daughter and he will probably go after me and anyone partying with me.
It worked, nobody wanted to mess with a pissed off cop on a personal vendetta. The parties ended.
I had screwed hundred of young females, with no protection almost every time. Sometimes I wonder if I have a kid out there with my dna somewhere. I was also lucky not to catch any std, but I was too stupid to realize it at the time.
But my wild ways didn't stop. The crazy white guy I worked with, hell...he would go to whore houses in Manhattan during the afternoon or some street hookers in Brooklyn. He cheated on his wife every day and got away with it. Of course to keep my mouth shut, he sometimes would pay for me to get some as well.
The places in the city were decent, and when we were picking up whores from the street we would use the back of the van to do our business.
Did I mention I was stupid? yeah, I did.
Well, I was careless, too careless. At the end of the first year of working I got sores where a guy would not want them, you can imagine. I told my 'boss' since we usually would sleep with the same women. We both got scared that we may have got hiv. We went to a clinic and got tested and for a week we were worried about the results.
We used to laugh every day working, but that week there was no laughs or fights. I guess I forgot to mention that he had a short temper, more than once we would get into a fight with other drivers or people that may look at him wrong. Once he even pulled a bat on someone and used it...I had to pull him off and then run to the van to get away with people chasing us.
Well...may as well say it...it's embarrasing but I've had it for so long that it doesn't bother me anymore. The test for my friend/boss came negative. Mine was positive, not for hiv...but something else. At the time I was crushed, all I knew is that it was an std and there was no cure for it. I was depressed and could not believe I had been so...well, stupid.
I had herpes.
I've lived with it since, for over 10 years. My body has gotten used to it and I'm rarely 'active' and I never given it to anyone else...I rather be dead that give it to anyone. It did take a while to accept my situation and realize it was not the end of the world, or my sex life.
I've never before admitted publicly about it, and I think I've revealed enough about myself today.
What still worries me, is the fact that I will be alone. No fear of death yet scared of being alone...doesn't make sense to me really. It is what it is, I guess.
Nina is slowly changing back to her old self, screaming, blaming and being...well, herself. I was hoping she would change for the good of the family, no such luck.
The fucked up thing about my 'exit' is that the only time I will be able to take off is when they take my nephew to his therapist. He will come home to see his uncle gone, and that hurts.
Well, enough of that...time to pick up where I left off about myself...
I was working as a helper making deliveries in Manhattan with a crazy white guy while having my weekend parties at home.
However the parties got boring, the same females would show up and things started to get too wild, but I kept going 'cause my friends didn't want the fun to stop.
I needed a good excuse to stop it without losing face. The funny part is that a fat cop bailed me out of the situation by coming one afternoon to my building as I was hanging with some friends in front...telling me he was watching me and that he would throw me in jail at the first chance he got. I didn't even know him, but then I got the idea...why don't I tell my friends I had screwed this cop's daughter and he will probably go after me and anyone partying with me.
It worked, nobody wanted to mess with a pissed off cop on a personal vendetta. The parties ended.
I had screwed hundred of young females, with no protection almost every time. Sometimes I wonder if I have a kid out there with my dna somewhere. I was also lucky not to catch any std, but I was too stupid to realize it at the time.
But my wild ways didn't stop. The crazy white guy I worked with, hell...he would go to whore houses in Manhattan during the afternoon or some street hookers in Brooklyn. He cheated on his wife every day and got away with it. Of course to keep my mouth shut, he sometimes would pay for me to get some as well.
The places in the city were decent, and when we were picking up whores from the street we would use the back of the van to do our business.
Did I mention I was stupid? yeah, I did.
Well, I was careless, too careless. At the end of the first year of working I got sores where a guy would not want them, you can imagine. I told my 'boss' since we usually would sleep with the same women. We both got scared that we may have got hiv. We went to a clinic and got tested and for a week we were worried about the results.
We used to laugh every day working, but that week there was no laughs or fights. I guess I forgot to mention that he had a short temper, more than once we would get into a fight with other drivers or people that may look at him wrong. Once he even pulled a bat on someone and used it...I had to pull him off and then run to the van to get away with people chasing us.
Well...may as well say it...it's embarrasing but I've had it for so long that it doesn't bother me anymore. The test for my friend/boss came negative. Mine was positive, not for hiv...but something else. At the time I was crushed, all I knew is that it was an std and there was no cure for it. I was depressed and could not believe I had been so...well, stupid.
I had herpes.
I've lived with it since, for over 10 years. My body has gotten used to it and I'm rarely 'active' and I never given it to anyone else...I rather be dead that give it to anyone. It did take a while to accept my situation and realize it was not the end of the world, or my sex life.
I've never before admitted publicly about it, and I think I've revealed enough about myself today.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Changes which came too late, and movies
It's almost a week since my last post and I have much to tell.
Yesterday for the first time in a long time I cooked, and enjoyed it greatly. Cleaning and cutting the chicken, frying it, making the rice, french style green beans...a simple yet enjoyable meal. I missed cooking. I had agreed to cook every wed, so I will be cooking a few more weeks before I go.
Nina has been trying to change, but it's just too late in my eyes. She still has a bad attitude at random times, her true personality comes out in between sometimes. It's not easy to change, and I got to admit if she had treated me for the past 2 years the way she treats me now, I probably wouldn't leave.
Today I went with her to the doctor, and even though her platelettes dropped a bit (152k) the doc said there was no concern. Of course she overreacted and started to cry. The doc is used to this, he kept repeating several times things were fine and that if they dropped under 80-70k then he would take action and that meanwhile things were fine.
The day I tried to leave I told her everything that bothered me, including the fact that a husband should go to the doc with her wife, that is why I went. There is another doc appointment in 2 weeks, for a different specialist.
I will go to every appointment until I leave, otherwise she probably suspect me.
She has stopped screaming at the kids, and I hope she at least is able to keep that up when I'm gone.
I haven't been able to get in touch with a lotro friend who is ill, but I've decided to not seek her out too much, it's very possible she wants to be left alone.
Since I've pretty much set up both my guardian (Obelix) and captain (Windkeeper) I'm playing my lowbie champ (Windguaerd) for fun. I've been trying to immerse myself into lotro...but it's become harder as times goes on.
I haven't been too social outside my kin. I should talk to my friend Liz this week, I hope she is ok.
This may sound silly...but today when Jason was driving us to the doctor's office, I saw the blue sky...it was a clear and beautiful day...since I rarely go out of the house this was a treat for me.
I've been reading the Dao De Jing book, and the eastern philosophy has helped me a great deal to find peace within myself. I'm on chapter 73 out of 81. I will probably re-read it often on the road to be able to comprehend it better, it's the kind of book which you need to look at a few times to really grasp it.
I've been spending some times watching movies. Here is what I saw: The Painted Veil, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Harakiri - 1962 [japanese - Subtitled], This Is England, Ong-bak [Thai - English Subtitled], School For Scoundrels [Unrated Edition], Casshern [Japanese - Subtitled], Japanese Story, Knocked Up [Unrated Edition], Bridge to Terabithia, Marie-Antoinette, Tsotsi - Subtitled.
The one which touched me recently was Tsotsi, a foreign film about an african thief who steals a car with a baby in it which changes his life. Before that was The Painted Veil which was a beautiful story.
Damn this post is long, but I guess I had to catch up. Time to check Anarchy Online's new vehicles, which look sweet. Too bad I won't be playing AO regularly until next year if that.
Oh well, until the next post.
Yesterday for the first time in a long time I cooked, and enjoyed it greatly. Cleaning and cutting the chicken, frying it, making the rice, french style green beans...a simple yet enjoyable meal. I missed cooking. I had agreed to cook every wed, so I will be cooking a few more weeks before I go.
Nina has been trying to change, but it's just too late in my eyes. She still has a bad attitude at random times, her true personality comes out in between sometimes. It's not easy to change, and I got to admit if she had treated me for the past 2 years the way she treats me now, I probably wouldn't leave.
Today I went with her to the doctor, and even though her platelettes dropped a bit (152k) the doc said there was no concern. Of course she overreacted and started to cry. The doc is used to this, he kept repeating several times things were fine and that if they dropped under 80-70k then he would take action and that meanwhile things were fine.
The day I tried to leave I told her everything that bothered me, including the fact that a husband should go to the doc with her wife, that is why I went. There is another doc appointment in 2 weeks, for a different specialist.
I will go to every appointment until I leave, otherwise she probably suspect me.
She has stopped screaming at the kids, and I hope she at least is able to keep that up when I'm gone.
I haven't been able to get in touch with a lotro friend who is ill, but I've decided to not seek her out too much, it's very possible she wants to be left alone.
Since I've pretty much set up both my guardian (Obelix) and captain (Windkeeper) I'm playing my lowbie champ (Windguaerd) for fun. I've been trying to immerse myself into lotro...but it's become harder as times goes on.
I haven't been too social outside my kin. I should talk to my friend Liz this week, I hope she is ok.
This may sound silly...but today when Jason was driving us to the doctor's office, I saw the blue sky...it was a clear and beautiful day...since I rarely go out of the house this was a treat for me.
I've been reading the Dao De Jing book, and the eastern philosophy has helped me a great deal to find peace within myself. I'm on chapter 73 out of 81. I will probably re-read it often on the road to be able to comprehend it better, it's the kind of book which you need to look at a few times to really grasp it.
I've been spending some times watching movies. Here is what I saw: The Painted Veil, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Harakiri - 1962 [japanese - Subtitled], This Is England, Ong-bak [Thai - English Subtitled], School For Scoundrels [Unrated Edition], Casshern [Japanese - Subtitled], Japanese Story, Knocked Up [Unrated Edition], Bridge to Terabithia, Marie-Antoinette, Tsotsi - Subtitled.
The one which touched me recently was Tsotsi, a foreign film about an african thief who steals a car with a baby in it which changes his life. Before that was The Painted Veil which was a beautiful story.
Damn this post is long, but I guess I had to catch up. Time to check Anarchy Online's new vehicles, which look sweet. Too bad I won't be playing AO regularly until next year if that.
Oh well, until the next post.
Friday, October 5, 2007
The worst possible outcome...
I was fed up, the night before it happened she went on my computer. I didn't think much of it, since Joyce now sleeps in the livingroom and the other computer is there. Obviously she wanted to check ebay without disturbing her best friend.
During the night she mentioned a name, from my yahoo messenger list of 3 friends...I thought I had dreamt it. I didn't.
Next day she confronted me about it.
The thing is, that I had logged off yahoo messenger and exited out completely. She had to been digging through my system looking for something to pick on.
That was it for me, I took a shower and started to pack. She then grabbed the bag, and had it next to her for hours, refusing to let me go until she 'consulted' with a laywer for a divorce which I had agreed to give her.
I asked to be allowed to keep in touch with the kids, and she said ok...then tells me that after I leave they're going to move, maybe back to New York or another state...now I'm not stupid. When you change state, you change phone number...I asked how would I be able to keep in touch if they moved...she pretty much said not her problem.
She also said that the cat was going back to the place where they got her from. Luckily Joyce convinced her not to do that, because it would affect the kids.
Everything I feared she would do, she did. Even told me that going to Canada I would still be a nobody there...
Perhaps what's even more hurtful, is the fact that everyone else said 'let him go, he wants to leave' when they got home...and not one of them wanted to even talk to me as if the 11 years I've been in their family didn't matter.
I tried to leave in good terms, I tried to do it the right way, out in the open.
Now I know that leaving the way I wanted, it's not possible. She won't let me go. I even said that if she really loved me, she would let me go...and she refused.
She asked me many times to stay, and even told the kids that night...it was excruciating for me to say goodbye to them knowing that it was very likely I would never see them or talk to them again.
I had no choice, either to agree to 'work things out' to regain enough freedom to leave next month or to be held hostage for god knows how long until she felt it was the right time to allow me to leave (which could be months).
So, I agreed to stay and try to work things out. I lied, and I feel angry at myself for deceiving everyone.
However I did learn a few things during this. I wasn't fully ready. I was taking too many clothes, forgot I needed a blanket, and that I shouldn't leave anything that I really wanted to keep behind because as soon as I'm gone she will throw out whatever I leave behind.
I started reading the 'Dao De Jing' book, and it has helped me a great deal to cope with the situation I'm in. I will probably finish reading it before I go, I intend to re-read it often, it had quite a bit of wisdom in it.
I've uninstalled yahoo messenger and a ton of other programs out of my puter, and transfered most to my laptop which has a password.
November, I'm leaving everything and then, well..I will start my walk towards Canada.
During the night she mentioned a name, from my yahoo messenger list of 3 friends...I thought I had dreamt it. I didn't.
Next day she confronted me about it.
The thing is, that I had logged off yahoo messenger and exited out completely. She had to been digging through my system looking for something to pick on.
That was it for me, I took a shower and started to pack. She then grabbed the bag, and had it next to her for hours, refusing to let me go until she 'consulted' with a laywer for a divorce which I had agreed to give her.
I asked to be allowed to keep in touch with the kids, and she said ok...then tells me that after I leave they're going to move, maybe back to New York or another state...now I'm not stupid. When you change state, you change phone number...I asked how would I be able to keep in touch if they moved...she pretty much said not her problem.
She also said that the cat was going back to the place where they got her from. Luckily Joyce convinced her not to do that, because it would affect the kids.
Everything I feared she would do, she did. Even told me that going to Canada I would still be a nobody there...
Perhaps what's even more hurtful, is the fact that everyone else said 'let him go, he wants to leave' when they got home...and not one of them wanted to even talk to me as if the 11 years I've been in their family didn't matter.
I tried to leave in good terms, I tried to do it the right way, out in the open.
Now I know that leaving the way I wanted, it's not possible. She won't let me go. I even said that if she really loved me, she would let me go...and she refused.
She asked me many times to stay, and even told the kids that night...it was excruciating for me to say goodbye to them knowing that it was very likely I would never see them or talk to them again.
I had no choice, either to agree to 'work things out' to regain enough freedom to leave next month or to be held hostage for god knows how long until she felt it was the right time to allow me to leave (which could be months).
So, I agreed to stay and try to work things out. I lied, and I feel angry at myself for deceiving everyone.
However I did learn a few things during this. I wasn't fully ready. I was taking too many clothes, forgot I needed a blanket, and that I shouldn't leave anything that I really wanted to keep behind because as soon as I'm gone she will throw out whatever I leave behind.
I started reading the 'Dao De Jing' book, and it has helped me a great deal to cope with the situation I'm in. I will probably finish reading it before I go, I intend to re-read it often, it had quite a bit of wisdom in it.
I've uninstalled yahoo messenger and a ton of other programs out of my puter, and transfered most to my laptop which has a password.
November, I'm leaving everything and then, well..I will start my walk towards Canada.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Bad day
Looks like I'm leaving the house today, no time to explain. I guess I'm going to be homeless sooner than I planned.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Fun and...Anniversary, not the same
Yesterday I had a lot of fun with guild mates in lotro and we even got a few new members. I've been thinking of how to make the TDH web comic and I'm pretty sure I will be able to do it this week somehow.
I got to post this...
One of my kinmates has a trademark phrase, he's japanese and he is a great guy:
Well, today is Oct 2th, 11th year anniversary of my marriage...and I'm leaving next month, I'm not too happy today. Hell to be honest I thought it was 12...I've lost track of time, not a good sign.
I'll have to smile, and pretend to be happy...I hate being fake...and it will probably be one of the things she will throw at me when I tell her I'm leaving, but I don't want to make this harder on her or the rest of the family, not now.
Next month I'm starting my journey to Canada, I'm just hoping a damn hurricane doesn't get in my way. I hate hurricane season.
I got to post this...
One of my kinmates has a trademark phrase, he's japanese and he is a great guy:
Well, today is Oct 2th, 11th year anniversary of my marriage...and I'm leaving next month, I'm not too happy today. Hell to be honest I thought it was 12...I've lost track of time, not a good sign.
I'll have to smile, and pretend to be happy...I hate being fake...and it will probably be one of the things she will throw at me when I tell her I'm leaving, but I don't want to make this harder on her or the rest of the family, not now.
Next month I'm starting my journey to Canada, I'm just hoping a damn hurricane doesn't get in my way. I hate hurricane season.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Better Sunday than usual
Well, Joyce was supposed to come over for Dinner but instead, she moved back in. I intended to speak with her privately and ask her to try to stop drinking and then consider coming back since...well...once I leave Nina will need a friend close by.
Apparently this morning they both talked in length, and her roomate's husband made a pass at her and Nina asked her to come back if she promised to stop drinking. They are going to go together to AA meetings, which is good.
I think her coming back right now may be too soon, but if all goes well, it should still work out.
In the early hours of Monday, my friend in Singapore contacted me, and so far it seems that her father will recover, but I'm still concerned for her well being due to lack of sleep.
Well, on a different subject...if I ever decide to trust a female to have a relationship with, I think being able to make melon bread will be a must...yeah it's weird, but it's stuck in my mind for some reason. I don't recall ever having melon bread, but seen it featured in a few anime.
I'm tired, been playing lotro all day, trying to immerse myself into the game, and succeeding for the most part. Since I use voice more often in game, it seems like more people ask my permission to add me to their friends list...I guess that's a good thing.
Time for some sleep.
Apparently this morning they both talked in length, and her roomate's husband made a pass at her and Nina asked her to come back if she promised to stop drinking. They are going to go together to AA meetings, which is good.
I think her coming back right now may be too soon, but if all goes well, it should still work out.
In the early hours of Monday, my friend in Singapore contacted me, and so far it seems that her father will recover, but I'm still concerned for her well being due to lack of sleep.
Well, on a different subject...if I ever decide to trust a female to have a relationship with, I think being able to make melon bread will be a must...yeah it's weird, but it's stuck in my mind for some reason. I don't recall ever having melon bread, but seen it featured in a few anime.
I'm tired, been playing lotro all day, trying to immerse myself into the game, and succeeding for the most part. Since I use voice more often in game, it seems like more people ask my permission to add me to their friends list...I guess that's a good thing.
Time for some sleep.
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