The worst possible outcome...

I was fed up, the night before it happened she went on my computer. I didn't think much of it, since Joyce now sleeps in the livingroom and the other computer is there. Obviously she wanted to check ebay without disturbing her best friend.

During the night she mentioned a name, from my yahoo messenger list of 3 friends...I thought I had dreamt it. I didn't.

Next day she confronted me about it.

The thing is, that I had logged off yahoo messenger and exited out completely. She had to been digging through my system looking for something to pick on.

That was it for me, I took a shower and started to pack. She then grabbed the bag, and had it next to her for hours, refusing to let me go until she 'consulted' with a laywer for a divorce which I had agreed to give her.

I asked to be allowed to keep in touch with the kids, and she said ok...then tells me that after I leave they're going to move, maybe back to New York or another state...now I'm not stupid. When you change state, you change phone number...I asked how would I be able to keep in touch if they moved...she pretty much said not her problem.

She also said that the cat was going back to the place where they got her from. Luckily Joyce convinced her not to do that, because it would affect the kids.

Everything I feared she would do, she did. Even told me that going to Canada I would still be a nobody there...

Perhaps what's even more hurtful, is the fact that everyone else said 'let him go, he wants to leave' when they got home...and not one of them wanted to even talk to me as if the 11 years I've been in their family didn't matter.

I tried to leave in good terms, I tried to do it the right way, out in the open.

Now I know that leaving the way I wanted, it's not possible. She won't let me go. I even said that if she really loved me, she would let me go...and she refused.

She asked me many times to stay, and even told the kids that night...it was excruciating for me to say goodbye to them knowing that it was very likely I would never see them or talk to them again.

I had no choice, either to agree to 'work things out' to regain enough freedom to leave next month or to be held hostage for god knows how long until she felt it was the right time to allow me to leave (which could be months).

So, I agreed to stay and try to work things out. I lied, and I feel angry at myself for deceiving everyone.

However I did learn a few things during this. I wasn't fully ready. I was taking too many clothes, forgot I needed a blanket, and that I shouldn't leave anything that I really wanted to keep behind because as soon as I'm gone she will throw out whatever I leave behind.

I started reading the 'Dao De Jing' book, and it has helped me a great deal to cope with the situation I'm in. I will probably finish reading it before I go, I intend to re-read it often, it had quite a bit of wisdom in it.

I've uninstalled yahoo messenger and a ton of other programs out of my puter, and transfered most to my laptop which has a password.

November, I'm leaving everything and then, well..I will start my walk towards Canada.