Stress and Stargate Atlantis

The closer I get to my departure time, the more stressed I get. Today my nephew was more affectionate than usual and I wonder if he is picking up on my mood better than the rest of the family.

I'm proud of him, lately he has been getting good scores on tests, my niece usually does 95-100% on her tests and I enjoy helping her with homework when I'm allowed to do so.

This week hasn't been the greatest, but if you've been reading this blog it should be no surprise.

A dear friend of mine was already going through some tough times after the end of a long term relationship had ended badly. On top of that her father had a stroke and we may not be able to talk a while because he was working in Singapore while she was studying in the UK. I'm worried for her.

I can't seem to reach another friend who has been ill, and for a while now I have been unable to talk to my best friend.

I feel like a ghost sometimes, I can't really help anybody. All I can do is talk and offer my moral support and advice when asked.

I try to do everything early in the morning. Take out the garbage, do the dishes, take care of the cat, make her coffee the way she likes it...then either I go online to play lotro or go to sleep to try and forget where I am.

Lotro has been a good escape, just like Anarchy Online was, I forget where I am, what I am...but that seems to be fading after many years of MMO gaming. I'm stressed a good portion of the time, wondering if she knows or senses that I will be leaving..

I feel guilty for leaving the kids, my pet and everything. However I keep telling myself, there is no future for me here. I got to take risks, and just do it, and I will.

For the past 2 weeks I've had some chest pains, and I'm sure it's due to stress. I haven't told anyone, it wouldn't matter, won't change the outcome.

I've been spending my days burning movies, thinking wherever I will end up, the only entertainment I will have will be off my laptop.

Movies and music have been a part of me for 20 years. I enjoy it a great deal, and I can't see myself going on for weeks or months without at least listening or watching something.

Sci-fi channel is one of my favorite networks and today begins the new season of Stargate Atlantis. That show and the original series (Stargate SG-1) have been my favorite for a few years.

I probably won't be able to make it to my guild's raid today because of it. Maybe, I don't know...

Feels like all of my close online friends are out of touch...and I'm worried for them all.

I will try to post more often, it's been harder to keep things inside lately.

Concerned

I know I haven't written my blog as frequent as before. I've been concerned with the cash I need to travel, well the lack of it to be exactly. 5 ebay auctions, 3 sold for minimum bids. I walked to the post office with 3 heavy boxes to ship the stuff I sold, usually it's a 30 minute walk, but because of the weight it took me twice that long to get there. The walk back felt good however.

I don't have much stuff, I gave away some of it to Sindy and Jason in the past few months because I felt they could use it.

Nina hasn't auctioned my books yet, she told me a couple of times to help her post them on ebay...I pretty much said that if she wanted to raise her feedback by selling them, she should at least put the time and effort to put them up herself since the books weren't even hers to begin with.

Every day I'm more convinced that my decision to leave is the right thing to do. Even if I only leave with $100 I'm ready to rough it out, even do the dreaded dumpster dive for food if I run out of money.

Yeah, sounds disgusting however after some research (goggle ftw) I find that someone can survive on the street by dumpster diving for food, clothes and even furniture!

I think I'm smart enough to do it in a safe way if I really needed to.

I'm trying to not think about the money, and focus on a path of travel towards Alberta, Canada. It seems that if I go straight north I will have a pretty good chance to reach.

I've been feeling a bit down, knowing I will leave the kids and my cat...but I'm so set on leaving that it no longer affects my decision.

I've got moral support from some gaming friends online, which does help me emotionally to be honest. However I try not to bring it up too often, I don't like to worry people.

I will write more about my past by the weekend I think.

No luck, and some more history

Virtual Jobs, requires a valid (and working) social security #, which I no longer have. Offering a service to put computers together as long as parts are provided...was an idea, however that would only work at a local level which means I would have to build a reputation...that takes time, which I don't have.

I'm selling some old computer parts on ebay, "AS-IS" cause it may, or may not work. People buy crap on ebay, why not my crap?

I haven't continued my story since July, so I guess it's about time.

Let's see, where was I?

I had learned how to speak and write english, around that time my cousins convinced their mother to ask my grandma (her sister) for more money since I was living with them...in other words, they wanted to raise the "rent". Grandma was no fool, she saw we needed to get out of there, and we did.

We ended up moving to Elm Ave. (not to be confused with Elm Street from the famous horror movie). It was between 18th and 17th street and parallel to Ave. M.

It was a small building, we lived in the second floor. It was a nice place, if you didn't look through the windows in the back of the apartment, the view was of another street and the back of the building which was not very clean...to say the least.

My room was small, but it was mine, much better than the floor I had slept on for months. I had my own small bed, with a cheap metal frame with springs that you can fold and put into the closet which people usualy buy for guests?...that was my bed and I was very happy with it.

It had the basics, bed, table, small TV, a peruvian rug...yeah, I guess I will have to explain that. In Peru you can buy a rug which is hand made from either Llama/Alpaca fleece. The end product is pretty much art, it's done in a nice pattern with white and different tones of brown or black. They are usually made in an oval form in different sizes to be used at the bed or in the livingroom.

I think it was then when I bought my nintendo, and have been gaming every since. I'm fairly certain I had over 60 cartriges, heh.

Grandma was working at a tie factory in Manhattan (a place I would despise later on, because working there caused the decline of her health years later). I honestly don't remember exacty what the hell I was doing at the time, I do recall being a diswasher at a few places, and attempting to work in small basement factories...failing miserable at that.

Basement factories are pretty much where most illegals go, specially if they don't speak a word of english. It just wasn't for me, everyone would speak in spanish and I had just not spoken to anyone else besides my grandma in spanish...I felt out of place.

I got lucky and ended up working with the upstairs neighbor (he laid down carpet), forgot his name, but his wife and kids loved my grandma because even though she only spoke a few words of english...Chila cared for people.

Did I mention I got a crappy long term memory? yeah.

Now Chila wasn't grandma's real name, it was Ercilia...but when I was a child I could only say "Chila!" and...that is how her nickname stuck with her for the rest of her life.

Man, I miss her so damn much, she always had my back even when I would do stupid things.

Let me tell you that putting down carpet seems easy, it's not if you do it correctly. You got to measure the room, put down the wodden strips with the small nails and put them exactly in place near the walls and then lay down the carpet, cut it and...here comes the hard part...kick it.

Well not really kick it, but there is a device which "grabs" the carpet and you need to hit it with your knee at full speed to "stretch" the carpet in place so that there are no wrinkles and such. Oh yeah, also you need to put down the cushion under the carpet (except when it's for an office, that type of carpet don't need it).

His knees were in bad shape, and I really didn't want to end up in the same shape so I would not kick hard enough on purpose so eventually he wouldn't let me even use the "kicker" as he called it. Hell the carpet alone was heavy enough and sometimes it needed to be carried up on the shoulders up when the place had no elevator (of which there is pleny in brooklyn). I did my job as helper, I got paid minimum wage, that was that. Could I have learned the trade? yeah...but for what purpose?

I saw what it took to do the job, you have to lay down cash to buy the carpet and you don't get paid until after the customer paid the bill. You got to pay your helper every week, you got to buy everything off you pocket and you got to have a van big enough to transport everything. Plus...having to go home and put ice bags on my knees wasn't something I wanted to do in my life.

My boss was ok, we were sort of friends, but the guy was not someone I would befriend under normal circunstances. He was a jealous man. His wife was nice looking, in her mid 30's, but she was a straight arrow. If you were an asshole, she would tell you right away, one of the things I liked about her.

At the time my friends, were from the local high school. I met one at a local comic book store (yes I collected comic books before that was widely accepted as it is now) and he introduced me to others. I had a couple of friends who lived in the neighborhood, but well...they were not the good kind to be honest.

Either they were immature (like I was) or were using me in some way. 2 years laying down carpet, after that it pretty much ended because his wife pretty much kicked him out and well...he didn't need me anymore. That is what I was told, and I accepted it.

Didn't take me long to find another job. I became a helper again, to a tall, blond and crazy ass white guy making letter/package deliveries in Manhattan. More on that on another post (cause if I tell you now what we did, you would not believe it).

I guess it was then when I just started with the beer, the parties and being very promiscuous. If I told you I had sex with hundreds of females you probably would not believe me, so let's try to do the math.

Grandma would go out usually Friday and stay with her sister until Sunday night...that was my cue.

My guy friends in high school, didn't have a problem getting other guys to come, as long as they came with beer (kegs anyone?). Girls would come, cause there was free beer, some dude would always bring weed, so all the 3 basics of a good party was there (well at the time that is what I thought).

So I would turn off the lights, and just have candles on around the house (it's a miracle the apartment didn't go up in flames) and with the stereo going, there was a party every Friday and Saturday night. This went on for about...3 years.

52 weeks times 2 parties per week, 104 parties times the 3 years = 312 parties. I would hook up with at least 2 girls at each party. 624 females, now keep in mind that sometimes I would hook up with more than 2, then also during the week I may sneak one into the house once in a while.

Oh and I was a bit picky, I would not have sex with a female friend and I would not screw a girl more than a few times...I always wanted a new girl to explore.

Now because of the parties, people in the neighborhood thought very little of me, to them I was pretty much a scumbag. They didn't like teens to get drunk...well shit, how was that my fault? I didn't force anyone to come into my house, neither did I force them to stay or have sex with me...well maybe some got drunk, but so did I!

Now thinking back, I do regret doing it, well...the sex was good for the most part, but I shouldn't have been so careless about it.

Then it took very little to get a girl to get naked, let this be a warning to all female teens...don't be stupid...cause most young guys will take advantage and don't give a shit as long as you consent.

I got a good sex education, but I went through women like toilet paper and I didn't mature, I didn't really learn how to talk or relate to females. All I learned was how to charm my way into a girl's pants in record time, have a good time, and then get rid of her. I was too stupid to care.

I feel guilty for the shit I did then. A friend told me a few months ago that as long as I regret my actions, it means that I learned from it. I'm not so sure, sometimes I wonder if in my stupidity I hurt girls who really had love for me.

Once I became a boyfriend to a 16yr old, even went to her house, she gave me her virginity and then we broke up...just didn't work out. Guess what happened? her mother starts talking to me (she had approved of our relationship), and I end up being her lover. Yeah, right out of Jerry Springer, except I wouldn't have been stupid enough to drag my ass on public TV for everyone to boo at me.

So for a few months she was my sugar momma (the parties didn't stop of course). The room next to her daughter's (where I poped her cherry) was hers, and I think that woman was addicted to sex 'cause more than once she would have me call off work to go to her house and do her...and of course she would make up for the lost wages, sometimes in cash.

Her daughter went from having loving puppy eyes for me, to having eyes of hatred. I didn't care, like I said before...I was too stupid to care.

This is just one thing in my long list of "things I shouldn't have done". I also slept with 2 sisters (separately) but I won't go into details, cause they were russian and things got way too god damn complicated to even repeat it.

That's all for now, this post is too long as it is.

Another crazy week!

Yeah, been a few days since I blogged. This has been another crazy week for me. She threatened to turn off the internet because I was talking to members of my lotro kin (guild) on Ventrilo, I 'm so fed up of these constant threats that I just said "I don't care" and she got angrier. Nina even said I would be eating cup of noddles because I didn't deserve home cooking, all because I'm using my headset to talk to people she doesnt know.

Her jealousy is just incredible. Whatever I say, it's twisted, and taken out of context and then used against me in front of the kids and the rest of the family. I'm so sick of it all.

However when she woke up today she was in a better mood. I even got my share of cold cuts.

My friend Liz is worried, since I will be leaving when temperatures drop and the cold weather can be a danger on the road. I'm not changing my mind, I'm leaving in November.

I've decided to take 4 books with me. J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Hobbit", "The Fellowship of the Ring", "The Two Towers", "The Return of the King" and Roget Zelazny's Visual Guide to Castle Amber which is a rare find.

I'm considering fasting one day a week, to not just drop weight faster but also to get me used to the fact I may not eat some days on the road. Watching expert survivalists (I think that is what they are) who are prepared for the outdoors even get in situations where they need to call in their safety crew does give me an idea that if something goes wrong, it will probably be big and dangerous.

Traveling by bus is my preffered option, but I'm not sure if I will have enough cash to do that, otherwise I will have to hike or hitch rides all the way north.

I'm scared and excited at the same time, I believe I have the strength of will to push myself forward into Canada and a new beggining.

Right now Alberta is my final destination, however I may be in another canadian city/town until I have enough to travel there. Alberta was recommended to me by a canadian friend from lotro, and from what I've seen at their website there are a lot of work opportunities there.

Peru was warm, Californa was hot, New York was cold, Florida is hot, and Canada will probably be cold...heh, I've switched between cold and hot all my life.

I will probably write some more about my 20's in upcoming blogs, there are things I want to let go which I still think about.

But, not today. Right now, I need some sleep.

Stress and Support

Yup, I'm a bit stressed. and my stomach has been a bit upset the past couple of days. I think it may be because of my decision about leaving in 2 months. A few months ago I was set to leave, then...pretty much chickened out with the excuse of not being in shape physically to do it. Well sometime in November I will be telling Nina that I'm going to Canada and that I may stay for a short time for her to get a divorce (which is something I promised to do in case I ever left, long ago).

When I say short time, I'm thinking 2 weeks tops if necessary for me and her to have closure. I'm not sure what she will do, I know what she is capable of doing...so many things, and most unpleasant.

I'm prepared to get arrested (she did that to someone in a previous relationship, just because she was pissed at him), physically attacked (the woman does have weight on me, and I don't hit women so she would have the advantage), threats...well I think that is almost guaranteed.

Most of what I need is already put aside for the trip, except a compass, which is hard to explain since she wants to see every little thing that I get in the mail. Oh well, I will think of something.

I've got moral support from my friends in lotro and a friend from another MMO, that has helped me get the strength I need, to do what I should have done long ago.

I'm a guy who don't fear death, really, I don't. However I do have a fear of being alone, all my life there was always someone with me...my family...my grandma...Nina.. I will be on the road alone, with limited fund which means I don't think I will be able to contact anyone when/if I reach Canada safely.

Another fear is that Nina may just be...well, Nina, and deny my request to remain in my niece and nephew's lives. I'm getting ready for that as well, but it's not easy. And my cat, man I will miss Rosie so much...how the hell did I get so attached to a furball? man oh man!

I'm just taking one day at a time, trying to think of how to get more money (still only have $80) without her noticing it because she would most likely ask for it, or just demand I give it to her.

Well, whatever happens will happen, I will just adapt. It's late, I better get some sleep.

Ah, enlightenment!...and lost collection

Yesterday I got the book I ordered weeks ago. "Dao De Jing, the new, highly readable translation of the life-changing ancient scripture formerly known as the Tao Te Ching". I intend to read it in 2 months when I leave for Canada. I have a feeling that if I start reading today, I may want to leave earlier than planned.

Now I said goodbye to my hard/soft cover books. Nina will be selling my entire collection to raise her ebay feedback. Since I won't be able to take them with me, I've reluctantly agreed for her to practically give them away...at 1 cent each. I used to read books, but to do that, peace and quiet is required (at least for me)...impossible in this house.

Now it's not a handful of books, but a decent collections, that can easily fill a couple of shelves.

Here is the list, so you can get an idea of what I like/liked to read:

- Hard Cover Books

Star Wars

Specter of the Past
The New Rebellion
The Crystal Star
Vision of the Future
Children of the Jedi
The Corellian Trilogy
The Jedi Academy Trilogy
Heir to the Empire (vol 1 of a 3 book cycle)
Dark Force Rising (vol 2 of a 3 book cycle)
The Last Command (vol 3 of a 3 book cycle)

Star Wars: The New Jedi Order

Agents of Chaos
Balance Point
Vector Prime

Star Wars: Young Jedi Knights

Under Black Sun

Forgotten Realms

Daughter of the Drow
Siege of Darkness
The Dark Elf Triogy (Collector's Edition)

Star Trek

STNG - Triangle: Imzadi II
STNG - The Continuum
STDS - Warped
Federation

Fantasy

Chicks in Chainmail
Support your local Wizard
A Sorcered and a Gentleman
Fortress in the Eye of Time
Maureen Birnbaum, Barbarian Swordsperson
The Dragon Circle : The Dragon Waking
Wizard's First Rule
The Last Dragonlord
The Hidden City
Michael Moorcock's Elric: Tales of the White Wolf
Green Rider
Lords and Ladies
The White Gryphon
One Quest. Hold the Dragons (Book 2 of Cups and Sorcery)
The Dragon Reborn (Book 3 of The Wheel of Time)
The Shadow Rising (Book 4 of The Wheel of Time)

Sci-Fi

Children of Dune
Moonseed
Starship Troopers

Misc

The Nitpicker's Guide for Next Generation Trekkers Vol 2
The History of Vampires
An Incomplete Education

- Soft Covers Books

Forgotten Realms

Realms of Magic
Spellfire
Realms of Infamy
Shadows of Doom (The Shadow of the Avatar - Book 1)
Cloak of Shadows (The Shadow of the Avatar - Book 2)
Shadowdale (The Avatar Trilogy - Book 1)
Tantras (The Avatar Trilogy - Book 2)
Waterdeep (The Avatar Trilogy - Book 3)
Darkwalker of Moonshae (The Moonshae Trilogy - Book 1)
Darkwell (The Moonshae Trilogy - Book 2)
Black Wizards (The Moonshae Trilogy - Book 3)

Ravenloff

Vampire of the Mists

Isaac Asimov

I, Robot
Foundation
Foundation and Empire
Second Foundation
Foundation's Edge
Foundation and Earth

Sci-Fi

The Star Dancers
Timescape

Oh well, list is made, I intend to replace them (and probably read/re-read them) in the future. Another part of me that I need to revive, the book reader.

A raid is about to start in lotro, so I better get on it before they start without me.

Insanity again..

I'm doing laundry and washing dishes when all of a sudden, Nins starts screaming from the bedroom. Mind you right now my little nephew is home. The woman is cursing to high heavens, about the cat throwing up on a plastic bag on her side of the bedroom and how her leg touched it.

Having a cat is great (if you are lucky of course, you get one that is very affectionate and will meow on command), but one of the minor inconveniences is that a cat can throw up food if she eats too fast, and also throws up hair balls even with the best food in the market. She knows this and it's not the first time the cat has thrown up..

Nina goes on and on, screaming how..get this, "everyone is out to get me!"...and that the cat, did it on purpose on her side of the bedroom!

Legally she owns the cat, she brought the cat home, and I fell in love with the little furball and have been taking care of her ever since. Rosie is very attached to me, and I'm quite fond of her. It won't be the same without her. The kids and the cat will be what I will miss the most, besides a roof over my head. The rest of the family I don't think would care one way or the other if I was dead or alive in my opinion.

The dragon has gone to sleep, let's hope she takes a long nap and the house is peaceful at least until tonight when we eat dinner.

I wish I could help...

I found out tonight that a friend of mine from a former guild in lotro now has stomach cancer. That hit me a bit hard, she has been ill a while but man...my eyes were tearing.

She is a great person, has kids and even tho we haven't talked lately since I joined my current guild (which is group of great gamers btw) I didn't expect such news.

I wish I could do something to help her, but obviously I got my own problems right now and I'm unable to help anyone. The one guy who could help her, won't and that sort pisses me off. She has to take care of her children when she is sick, god damn I don't like violence but if things were different, I would very likely be at someone's door telling him to step the fuck up and help her....or just help her myself.

Another friend which lives in Singapore in a few months is moving to the UK to study (university), she even invited me to visit and show me around London. I think in the future I will take her up on her offer, always wanted to see Big Ben and see real castles. The english do have a good sense of humor, Benny Hill anyone?

I only have $80 to my name right now, I need a lot more if I'm to do anything. Time to sell crap on ebay.

Ninja Warrior!

There are a few shows which are entertaining, but some, are so good to watch that you're practically cheering for someone and jump up!

Ninja Warrior is one of those shows. As a gamer one of my favorite channels is G4, and they were wise enough to have this japanese show. I love japanese culture (Anime/Manga anyone?) but this show demostrates how crazy and silly the japanese can be.

It's fun to watch someone plunge down into a dirty pool of water, get hit by a giant hammer, slip on some rolling wood and go up in the air like a cartoon character...top notch entertainment.

Not sure if they broadcast it in canada, hopefully they do.

Ninja Warrior: http://www.g4tv.com/ninjawarrior/index.html

Damn a storm is moving in, time for the net to go on and off, I guess I will play lotro later today then.

Another day...

Yesterday afternoon, I made myself 4 boiled hot dogs as lunch. Four. Nina tells me I'm eating too much. This comes from a woman who is about 450 pounds, who has a brother and sister who are also very overweight.

Mind you I've tried in my life not to judge people by their looks, otherwise I wouldn't had fallen in love with her. My previous relationships (10+ years ago) were with normal sized women, pettite even.

But back to the issue. She begins ranting about the four hot dogs and god she is going and going and going like the Energizer bunny. I thought the best way for me to settle it iwas to give her half, but then I figured my little nephew hadn't eaten yet so I offered half to him and he accepted.

Problem solved.

Right before I got married about 12 years ago, my weight was 175-180 pounds, I'm 5'10". Currently my weight is 217, I've lost about 10 pounds in the past few months because I cut my food intake by about 60%. Why so much? well the family is used to eating as if the food is going to run out somehow. Ever seen those movies were a grandma gives kids a mountain of food on a plate saying "you need to put some meat on those bones"? well this family never stopped eating that way it seems.

Sadly my wife has a breathing machine to be able to sleep at night, also has Diabetes, coughs a lot at night (probably due to the many years of smoking, which she refuses to give up) and on top of that a low blood platelettes count. I'm fairly certain it's due to being overweight, but I can't know for sure because I'm not allowed to go to the doctor with her. I've asked many times out of concern, she always takes her brother or sister, never me. I stopped asking after a while of course, why bother if I know the answer is no anyways.

Would you leave your wife if you knew she was sick even if she practically made your life miserable? for some guys the answer is easy: leave, get the fuck out. For me, not so easy. I've been a part of her family for over 10 years, they are my family right now, all I got. Walking away won't be easy, it will be heart breaking for sure.

However...

I must be a psychic...because I had a premonition. I heard someone singing "Ooooh Canada!"...